(Milton, Moat Lane, Prestwood, Buckinghamshire)
Saturday
Dearest Ticky - Thank you very much for finding time to write to me yesterday evening - It was the most lovely surprise when we were all engaged in speculation as to whether the sausages were really cooking on the electric stove, to hear a ring at the front door bell - and Miss X saying - "well, I don't know what we can do now, because the door won't open" - and then to see my letter all by itself lying face upwards on the mat. I really didn't deserve it either - because I was so cross with you when you said you couldn't come. You see, Terrick, it never has, and never will make any difference telling me the reason you can't come where I want you to (although of course, in my saner moments, I always realise how unreasonable I am & how right you are) - but I live in a state now which I feel is just like being married to you - spiritually, but not materially - I have felt it grow gradually month by month - when it is almost unbearable for me to go a week without seeing you.
It's like being cut off from half the means of one's existence - and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. Ever since last holidays I have found myself living more and more just for you - from Wednesday to the weekend - from the weekend to Wednesday - and & on it goes - & every time I have to say goodbye to you the ache inside me gets more & more. I know it's wrong for anybody just to live for one person - & I've always lived half of me for school up till now - but it's getting so very difficult, my dearest dear - it's an overwhelming obsession growing inside me, to see you every day - I feel if I could do that I could go on waiting to be really married to you for any length of time (so you see my "want" is quite different from yours) - and when anything comes in the way of my weekends or Wednesdays with you, something goes snap inside me and I lose all logic, reason or common sense.
It has been an awful day today - raining all the time, but we spent the morning cooking & then the oven was so hot it burnt everything! I took the two boarders to Amersham to the pictures this afternoon which were quite nice - Miss X went to sleep & had a bath. We got in at 5.30 & I had a bath too - & we're now all sitting round a lovely fire reading. I'm enjoying it very much - & I don't know whether you would have liked it very much. I hope the weather cheers up tomorrow. We expect to get back to Richmond on Monday between 6 and 7 - Miss X suggested she dropped me at the station to come up and see you. Can I? I'll phone you from the station to say when I'm coming - in case you're not in.
- I really don't think, darling, I shall be able to come next Friday - besides I'd much rather go to a staff dance where I don't know anybody else - I don't mind Paul & Renny - but not my family.
I thought of you in the British Museum this morning - did you look up F.W. all the time? - or wasn't the temptation a bit too great to go back to Pitt's letter?
I must go & get the supper - I'll finish this sometime tomorrow
* * * *
In a great hurry to go out for a walk. - Sunday afternoon. We went for a wonderful one yesterday evening - full moon through our larch path - you would have loved it.
Church this morning - wonderful day -
Hope I see you tomorrow.
All my love
Mary
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