Tuesday, 6 October 2015

6th October 1935 - Mary to Terrick


7 p.m.

Darling - I don't seem to be able to settle down to anything - everybody's playing bridge - my feet are frozen and I'm very tired (having done nothing all day!) - It's just in moments like this one, that everything would be entirely the opposite if you were here.  I should feel wide awake - you could rub my feet for me - and i should feel like doing heaps of things instead of leaning back in a chair, all by myself with everybody all round me, thinking about you (which can be very bad for me).

I was going to try and work up some enthusiasm to knit - but you are too much with me for that.

We've seen more of each other in the last few weeks than ever before (except for Schwaneberg) - and I suppose it's natural that the more I have the more I want.  You give me just that complete feeling, by being in the same place with me - that I have wanted so often ever since I was at school.  I used to work myself up sometimes in to contemplating jumping from the dormitory window! - and often into running home to get warm again - I don't work myself up quite so much now I'm grown up - but the thoughts that used to run round & round then, are still there - you know - "Why are we here?" "Where are we going?" "What are we?" - Government, Love, War and Death!

But gradually, in the last two years I've thought about them differently - because you're so sensible - I know you think about things like this too - but you look at them as causes & effects - and you reason things out and learn about them.  When I worry now, I think of writing to you or coming & seeing you - and it makes me laugh, because you wouldn't give my worries two thoughts sometimes - you'd roar with laughter - or tell me it was just what everybody else worried about! (I love you when you tell me I'm just like everybody else!)

But nowadays - if you walk into a room - or meet me in a street - or sit beside me in a theatre - or if I walk into your room something from you seems to come into me, which it's almost impossible to explain.

- Something in me which is always stretched tight as a protection against everything else in the world, suddenly loosens itself and I feel safe & peaceful and supremely content.  That's why I feel so much better when we part again - because my string has had a rest!

- Darling - I love you more than I ever believed I could love anyone - and deeper - you go to the very roots of me - and it's all the more wonderful because I know the "super" far outshines the "sub" - and the "human" is as sure as socks!

This is stupid - & I must catch the post.

But it's rather difficult to explain verbally to someone why you want to be near them always - and do and think things with them - and try things with them - and sleep with them - 

So I thought I'd get it off my chest in writing - because I've got it rather badly tonight!

- I haven't enough self-control really, have I?

- But you love me - so I must be all right in some ways!

Your Mary

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