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Dear Ticky - We've had another slight bust up here this morning. Mummy asked me if I would drive her up to the office and back this afternoon as she wanted to see the decorations. I said I'd been looking forward to doing nothing all day and just knitting. She was frightfully upset and said she'd been plucking up courage for two days to ask me to do this for her - and had thought of it all yesterday & 50% of her going to bed early was so we could be together - and it was always the same now - whatever she asked me to do for her I never wanted to do it & I never lifted a finger to help anybody. While she did all she could looking after the house, getting the food - having my friends here - living for the time when I came home - and when I didn't want to do things with her or for her it "sapped her very existence" and made her feel she hated me 0 and everybody else would, too, if I didn't pull myself together and help and show some interest in other people.
I know she's said similar things before - but I don't often feel it as badly as I do at the moment. It becomes more and more difficult for me to do things for others. I don't know why I have felt it so much more these last few months - but I can almost remember it starting. The thing I look forward too all the week (when every minute is mapped out - if not school then things for myself) is being able to spend one whole day just choosing what I'll do or not do - and, you see, this way nobody else comes into my reckoning at all - they just don't occur to me. I have never lacked for company or had to depend for home or food on myself - so I've ceased to realize what part the people who do these things for me play in my life. Everything has always been wonderful for me - I wouldn't change places with anybody in the world - just because I suppose, my mother & family have always been so good to me. But when it comes to doing anything for them which interferes with what I had planned for myself (being at school all the week makes me plan out every minute of my day) I SIMPLY CANNOT DO IT - I remind myself a hundred times of my food and roof and clothes and all Mummy does for me - but immediately there creeps in how much I long to be by myself doing the 101 things that can never be done at school, and which make life so interesting - the little things.
You know you tease me sometimes about having 4 months holiday a year and yet complaining of never having enough time to - try writing stories - read book you have to think about - enquire about acting & films - well, of course, a good bit of it is my own lack of effort - I'm not really made of the right stuff - but a pretty good percentage is just because living in this house, with these people is another job in itself - It isn't "4 months holiday" - it's "4 months change of position".
- And just this last two months - with so much apart form this house and the people in it to occupy my time and thoughts it has seemed more and more impossible to think of them.
I know quite, quite well (and don't think I'm fool enough not to be quite sincere) that I'm being horribly selfish to them. You don't think I'm selfish because, naturally, you never have a chance of seeing that side of me (except sometimes!) - but I am - and it seems to grow larger & larger as I get more and more impatient with it all.
Mummy lives just for me and the others - she gives me presents and money and is longing to help me with getting married - and, yet, when she asks me to drive her up to the office and back I say I had thought of knitting all day!! - & it's not only today - it's often and often - & I hate myself - but it doesn't help me to change.
- This evening we go to the Pictures & tomorrow Aunt Floss has to be fetched to lunch & I take them over to watch a wedding at Esher - back to school in the evening - so there's tomorrow gone bang.
If only I could feel sincerely sorry and remember next time - but I don't.
If only someone would explain to me why it's all like this - if it's me that's all wrong and need a jolly good shaking - or our home life that's been a bit mismanaged.
I can't decide by myself - but I do know something's wrong with my not feeling for Mummy & the family the way I should.
We always seem to be in a small vicious circle.
Excuse all this, dearest dear, but I thought perhaps you could do a bit of explaining to me.
This "family" business seems such a thankless task - do you suppose it's worth it?
Your
Mary
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