Friday, 4 April 2014

4th April 1934 - Terrick to Mary


4th April 1934

My Darling Mary,

I expect this letter will cross one from you.  I do feel the need of you to talk to.  Business is fairly quiet, which is lucky because these last two days I haven't felt a bit like working.

Last night I went out to dinner with three Polyites who were at Mentone.  We dined at the Chanticler in Frith St and then went and sat in the Palm Lounge at the Regent Palace till about 10.15.

This evening after dinner I am getting down again to an attack on Edwy.  I hope to have it finished before I come to stay with you.


After Dinner

Wash out that last sentence.  It won't be finished before this Saturday.

I have gone and promised you a good letter, and my heart is so full of things to say that they will all come out scrambling together and incoherent.  I can't find something sensible to start off with -, except "I love you" which you know already.   Still, if I start with that the other thoughts may follow naturally from it.

I love you.

I have never loved anyone but you.

In the days when I used to write poetry, I could never write about something when actually with it.  My verses on the Scottish Lowlands were written when I had not been near them for about six years.  the ones in praise of Rhinish wine were made a month before I actually went to the Rhine.  For me writing, I think, must always entail a certain amount of invention, even when I am most sincere.  To put down just what I am feeling at the moment is too much for me.

"Macbeth" is the play of Shakespeare's that I want to see most of all.  I have read it tons of times.  It is very good of Mrs Ormo to have me - and for the weekend.  Have you room for me in the house, with A. Pears there?

It would be far too much for you to have me down every week-end.  You have been passing on my mother's and father's molly coddling remarks about my not getting enough to eat at "Ventnor".  I don't mean to look a gift-horse in the mouth, but I don't want to impose on Mrs Ormo's good nature on the strength of the remarks of my dear old parents for whom, as far as their children are concerned, time has stood still since we were in our 'teens.

I am looking forward to Saturday.  If it is raining at about midday, I'll ring you up and we'll find a substitute for a walk.

Two young people here in the digs have got engaged over the Easter week-end.  The girl is very bucked with her diamond ring.  They are a nice couple.

I could have gone to Bruges this week-end with a party.  Being a pal of the Chief Conductor's I can get given that job whenever I like.  I shall wait till I can be surer of a good crossing.

Fancy you thinking that I should arrange to see you next on Saturday week! It is all I can do to wait till this Saturday.

After you had rung up I went back to my pudding and could hardly eat it, my throat being more in tune for singing.

Several people in the Poly have been suddenly reminded, a propos apparently of some piece of serious business, that it is a great life.  However, most of them are getting used to me by now.  They class me as a harmless optomisniac (if there were such a thing) who hasn't lived long enough to find that life is real, life is earnest, and damn serious.

I have switched my intellect onto the question of making a fortune and I think it will prove easier than I had previously imagined.  At any rate I have solved the problem of what I shall do with it when I have got it; which is the first important step.

We were lucky with our week-end.  Besides Walter Lamb falling ill, Paul as stricken with a rash on his wrists and ankles.  hew went to a doctor who said there was not much wrong with him, but he still feels a bit shaky.

He too is considering the money-making problem.  I suppose the wire trade doesn't want two live wires?

Last time we walked in Richmond Park, I heard you your part in "Dangerous Corner", and we had tea in a very nice little tea shop.  Shall we go there again?It is now half past nine and it doesn't look as though I shall get much of "Edwy" done tonight.

I will now confess that my first letters to you were written twice, first in the rough and then a fair copy.  I used to take a pride in them as compositions, and you were a female to show off to.  I stopped that about a year ago and now write as unpremeditatedly as I speak to you.  The result is a falling off in the style; but you see the first letters were written when I was at Fort William in the winter with nothing to do all day.  Now, I should never have the time to write a letter of this length twice.

When I was talking to you over the phone no one could hear me from the dining-room, but various people who had just finished dinner went out through the hall, which was cramping to the style when I knew I had a smirk all over my face that I couldn't take off.

Did you read all the forty-two letters?  I should like to see them again some time.  Perhaps I shall be as surprised at them as you were at yours.  What I am interested to see is what bits you kept as being the nicest.  I expect they will be much as I thought them when I was writing, because I was consciously trying to achieve my effects, whereas you got yours unconsciously.

Another thing that is spoiling my letter-writing is that now when I think of something particularly important or nice to say, I decide to tell you when I see you rather than write it in crude blue-black; whereas before I wasn't intimate enough with you to say a lot of the things that I dared write.

You have changed me very much in one way.  Until I fell in love with you I had so many interests that if one could not be satisfied at any time, I could always turn to the others and be quite happy, but now I can never be happy without you.  I am anchored, - and  incidentally an anchor is a steadying influence.  I can now for the first time see myself abandoning a lot of my time-wasting hobbies to fix my attention on a limited number of important things that will help me gain my objective.  You won't need to keep me up to it.  You won't be able to help it.

A rich and varied horizon of interests is a very good thing for people who have not got to make an effort in any one direction, but for people who have, it is better to wear blinkers that keep their eyes to the road that they have to push along.

A Guiding Star serves the same purpose of blinkers.  Only instead of not being able to take your eyes from the road, you don't want to

You just await developments!

In the meantime love me as much as I love you - if you can.

All my heart is yours.

             xxxxxxxx ad lib.

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