O.V.S.
Thursday
- Darling - I don't know whether you can possibly keep your eyes open long enough to read this - but I had to write something to ease me a bit inside - (there's no need to let your wrath at my stupidity rise within you again because it's all over now anyway) - I'm very sorry about it - much more sorry for myself than for you because I quite see I was mostly to blame - even if the rest of it was misunderstanding - but I honestly felt most self-sacrificial as I did it (and you generally find being that makes things go wrong).
Did you have a nice time? - I expect so - don't forget to tell me all about it - But I wish you could just tell me too that it turned out a bit of a help in the saving line through my not going? - Because it would make up tremendously for what I'm feeling at the moment!
Are there ever times when you could definitely say you didn't love me? - because it nearly lays me out sometimes when you suddenly say you've been furious with me all the afternoon - & I didn't now anything about it. (It's not so bad when I've got a guilty conscience!) All through today you keep on coming into everything - and I thought "He's probably been getting crosser & crosser all day - & telling other people I've let him down - and thinking he will never trust me again" - Gosh I don't think a man could ever worry quite so much over little things - But I hurt myself over you hundreds & hundreds of times when you're not there - when just 5 minutes of talking to you would put me on top of everything again.
I'd rather go to Putney by myself on Saturday I think - because it'll only be so short & I shouldn't be able to talk to you - But could I come up on Sunday morning - & go for a walk in the afternoon - & to the meeting in the evening? - But it doesn't matter - I could just as easily go to Dunally if you'd rather meet me on Saturday.
I got home beautifully quickly last night & was in bed by 11.40! (with cream on my face as well!)
I'll read you anything you like if you let me come on Sunday - & bring all the "mental companionship" I possess with me, as well!
- I feel so miserable at the moment, that you've loomed up in front of me quite observing the rest of heaven & earth - not the "you" I love of the bustly chin - but the "you" I make up for myself specially to vent my despicable "self pity" on - Please love me - darling.
Mary P. xxx
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